Since we last met there’s been a few more adventures. I started writing this particular post with my a$$ on the beach watching a storm roll in. But it was the last day and I wanted to spend it on the beach dammit. Plus it beat where I had been the last 18 hours or so… more to come on that.
Anyway, on Monday mom and I ventured to the golf course where we got our first lesson! It was awesome. Except the look of disapproval from our driver as we scuttled into the shuttle… apparently our outfit was not up to “club” standards. While we had adorable matching skirts, we didn’t have collared shirts. So, off to the pro shop we go… nothing like having to buy on the fly. But, hey, I like to shop so it worked out. Once we were properly adorned in our pretentious collars, we hit the course and putted, chipped, and drove. I don’t have much to compare it to, but I thought we were pretty good for first-timers. It also could have been because our instructor was a pro. Like… the kind that gets sponsored to tournaments in Spain and Jamaica. Aka he kicks ass and we’re glad he was attempted to teach us.
We didn’t do too much when we got back, it rained that evening so we hung out and relaxed. Fortunately we avoided the boofay and had dinner at the Chinese/Japanese restaurant at the resort. I’ll be honest I was a little apprehensive. I’d like to think I was justified in this. However, it was surprisingly good, probably our best dinner overall. My favorite was the sushi roll with banana in it… must look into making those at home. I drank way too much rot gut white wine, almost asked a guy if he was a real life king (think giant gold cufflinks and chain, suppa stunna accessories, basically all signs pointing to king status), and was left with a delightful hangover.
Tuesday morning… still raining. And we’re supposed to take a catamaran to Catalina Island. Now I’m hungover, nowhere is open to get food, and I don’t like to snorkel. You can guess I may have been a little pissy, but I was trying to find the silver lining and thinking maybe hair of the dog on the booze cruise will solve my problems? Worth a shot. So, we loaded up in a shuttle bus, drove around, and swung into a mini mart gas station. Umm…? Cue shuttle bus musical chairs. While this was going on I saw my opportunity and took it, a can of Pringles and Le Croix from the mini mart. I figured it was the pick up I needed.
We loaded up some more homies, I crunched my can of Pringles, and we hit the open road for another hour. Now, I’m a people watcher and nosy, so I kept listening to the couple in front of us (we inherited them at the mini mart). First off, coo coo. Picked that up right off the bat. I’m no psychologist or marriage counselor but I’ve got some notes for them by the time we make it to the dock. However, they’re only two in the cast of characters for the day.
Ah, we’ve arrived at the dock. All aboard. Except, this is far more serious than my hungover self is expecting. See I was going for the booze part of the cruise, certainly not the fish part of this snorkel/dive situation. And if you’ve ever been around divers, you know they’re serious and a little uptight (couple mentioned above, aka fun haters). Joy. Plus the weather is still crappy. But, here we go. Off to Catalina Island.
With the Island (and beach, and bar) almost in reach we drop anchor and every bails out to seeeee the fish. No thanks. I’ll wait in the boat. Except I easily succumb to peer pressure and before I know it my ass is in the water scootin’ around. It was short-lived but I did see some cool fish and drink some salt water. Yum. Finally we’re headed to the Island where we get to hang out and have lunch. The beach was beautiful and calm. White sand, blue water, relaxing. And lunch was delish. We dropped a straw in a coconut and had fresh coconut water and tried Caribbean Salmon.
Ah, but it doesn’t end there. As we are getting ready to head out, a full blown rainstorm opens up. And the way this boat is set up you’re basically at the mercy of the rain until you’re back in the shuttle. The storm also made the water choppy and rough, and guess who found out they get seasick? Yep, me. Who’s idea was it to snorkel??
Sounds like a terrible adventure, right? Not wrong. I would have rather listened to the rain from inside the spa while receiving a nice massage and reading my book. But, when life hands you a rainstorm, you better hope there’s some hillbillies on board to make it entertaining. Oh, yes. The family from Pennsylvania. I’m still convinced the dad was from Kentucky or some backwoods place based on his accent. On board we’ve got the dad, mom (who I later found out had a bottle of rum in her bag, explaining her happy, giggly demeanor throughout this), their three daughters, one brought her fiancé (Kennedy), and the other brought her boyfriend (name unknown, but picture John Travolta in Pulp Fiction with long hair, except chubbier and add a hippy vibe). The dad was in general pretty peeved about the adventure, and said the switcharoo at the mini mart was “sketchy” (say it with a Kentucky accent). He’s got a point. Chubby Travolta is just jammin’ to his tunes, drinking, and living his best life. He gets a little animated when they start handing out life vests yelling “are we going down?! Are we going down?!”. No, just keep drinking buddy. All will be fine. Kennedy is tuned up. And everyone else should be too. “Rah rah rah! Drinks for everyone! Beer for me! Rum for me!” (That’s my best rendition, he’s much more animated and fits the description of a typical frat guy.) The oldest daughter is on my level. She’s tired, cold, sea sick, and just wanted to stay at the spa and lay by the beach all day. Instead, she got drug along on this disaster. And now her fiancé is accosting the husband-half of the uptight couple, chugging drinks, offending people, and preaching Jesus on poor Ronnie (our lovely tour guide). Her mom suggests she talk her fiancé down and all she can mutter is “I can’t. There’s no talking him down.”, then puts her head back in her bag and tries not to get seasick. So we just sit back and let Kennedy run his course. As we get closer to the dock they hand out life vests to make us look official, at which point the dad says (Kentucky accent) “if this boat goes down, I’m throwing this life vest and just going down too”. He’s not over the day at all. Me too bro. And as we’re docking the boat Kennedy gives the locals a speech on how they “should have pride and clean up the f^#king trash around the water. It only takes three minutes”. Ay yi yi. Just a glimpse into this family dynamic. At least they were entertaining, albeit a shit show. But we’re finally back at the dock, soaking wet, and ready to be home.
Wednesday – round two with the golf lessons. I was much better this time and we got to play two holes on the course. It’s a fun game until that damn ball goes in the wrong direction and then you’re on the side of a hill trying to hit it. All I can say is, room for improvement.
Once we were back at the hotel I got some work done, had some drinks, and we hit the beach to relax. All signs are pointing to a terrific day. Mom grabbed us another pina colada, however the afternoon rain rolled in, so we headed to the room to take a snooze. Fast forward and all of a sudden I have the overwhelming urge to puke. And puke some more. And then… you know what. Add in some more puking, then just a little more when you think there’s nothing left to puke. Total mess. Mom thought I drank too much until it was her turn to talk to the porcelain bowl. Thankfully I had a quick rebound rate, mom not so much. Food poisoning took us down. I have never had food poisoning before and would greatly appreciate never having it again. Really puts a damper on vacay. But… vacation crash diet? Trying to find the positive here.
Thursday morning has us moving slow. Since I felt better I proceeded with our massage appointment. A lymphatic massage. For the sake of a good visual, look up a diagram of the lymphatic system. Those main points, that’s where she was pushing. Hard. Really hard. And very much in my business. The whole time I’m thinking “is this normal?”, “should I say something?”, “ooh, whop, that’s a little close”, and”I should have googled this”. Then she starts in on my stomach. Now I’m feeling better but things are a little tender. She goes full bore on the ol tum and it sounds like a water drain. Ouch. And maybe good? All those toxins being released? I don’t know but I’m hoping there’s something positive to come out of this like youth, vitality, and maybe lose a few vacation lbs. Between this lymphatic drainage and food poisoning I’m going to come home looking like a babe.
Fortunately I survived the massage without losing something on Julia, and we’re back on the beach. I think I reburned part of my bum, I’m peeling like a snake, and my tummy is every bit of sensitive. Whether it was the food poisoning or the massage is up for you to guess. We ended our last night with a lobster dinner. Well, I do. Mom cuts out early. Food poisoning has a lingering effect. Anyway, I chow my lobster, she takes hers to go (who takes lobster to go??), and we call it a casual evening.
Our last morning proves to be beautiful, mom eats her leftover lobster for breakfast, and we put our middle fingers up to the Dominican. Thank you Jesus I’m now back in the U S of A. The Dominican did not like us, and quite frankly we puked on it a little too.
I’m wrapping up this blog in a hotel in Florida… I’m laying in bed, just chowed an ice cream sandwich, my tummy is still bruised, and I think I smell from traveling. Talk, well, write, soon friends. Cheers to another vacation in the books, and for making it home in one piece. A bruised, sick, burnt piece.
Beer in a Martini World 