Travel Tips From, “The Obnoxious Americans”

Hi there! Jamie and I are on the international road once again. This time it was relatively unplanned. Although, this ended up being a redemption from the Punta Cana “vacation”… Anyway, we’ve gone on a handful of adventures together (some intentional, some not) and wanted to share what we’ve learned. As you may have guessed, most of our vacays are a shit show, so if you’re used to an Instagram-worthy vacation, read no further. This shit probably won’t come up.

Let the experienced traveler book flights. No need to spend 6 hours traveling to Vegas when it’s a quick hour-ish flight… But, the Phoenix airport does have some tasty snacks and beer.
Oh, and mother just reminded me. WEIGH YOUR DAMN SUITCASE. If you’re not careful, it will weigh a whopping 60+ pounds, will take two grown men and a burro to move it, and they will charge extra moolah at every opportunity for the inconvenience. Yes, I am the experienced traveler. Yes, it was my suitcase. Oops.
Don’t exchange your money at the airport. They will hose you. And then you’ll get laughed at by every local you tell.
Don’t get sunburnt to a crisp on day 1. You are not above wearing sunscreen. PS you’re not “just tanning”. You’re burning.
If you go to a Spanish-speaking country every year, just learn f*%king Spanish.
Be a little more inquisitive when someone suggests you just “take a bus” to the mall in Mexico. If not, you’ll end up on a city bus that drops you at a flea market (not the same as a mall), and it will be in the middle of nowhere. You will be the only two white people in 2 square miles.
To that point, if you’re in a compromised state (don’t know where you are, only foreigners, etc.) don’t insult the vendors trying to get a deal. They don’t think it’s funny. If the necklace is $10, don’t try to get it for $5 with a pair of earrings thrown in. Again, not funny.
Bring a phone charger. Especially when you rent a car, it’s your only lifeline and navigation device, and there’s no road signs in Costa Rica. As a note, no comprende car charger when you stop at every GD superstore along the road.
Make sure you google driving tips per the country you’re visiting. Each country has its own operating procedures and most of them will going against your sense of logic – cue a road raging truck passing another truck, and headed straight towards a school bus. A quick whip into the ditch, minor honking, and everyone is on their merry way. Best be prepared.
If you rent a car in a foreign country, make sure you can drive a stick. Vroom vroom. I dare you to try and chirp the tires over a speed bump #Jamiedrives
If you really want to get a supervisor’s attention, tell her her employees don’t listen and she has no authority.
Don’t take a catamaran in the rain. Or if you’re unsure if you get seasick. It sucks.
If you do, bring booze. Everything is a little more palatable if you’re blasted.
If you go against my suggestion and take a catamaran, make sure it’s a sunny day and find some Canadians. They’re party animals. And they don’t give a rip.
Don’t ever drink espresso martinis. They equal death. Especially after 6 of them, a bottle of wine, and a cocktail.
If you get food poisoning, just embrace it. It’s like a vacation crash diet.
To that point, if it looks funny, don’t eat or drink it. I personally will never look at pina coladas the same. Jimmy Buffet, you’re on your own here.
Bring bug bite cream no matter where you go. There will be mosquitos. They will find you and they will bite you.
Don’t try to negotiate fees with the cab driver. No matter what you say it will always be “noooo hunny, it’s $10”. *Add in some serious irritability.
Swimming in a bat cave cannot be healthy. Especially if you accidentally drink the water the bat herd spends their life pooping in. We’re still waiting to see what the long term effects of this are, so I’d probably just opt out.
Not all hotel rooms are created equal. Don’t be afraid to fight for a non-leaking roof and a bed with a blanket on it.
Cankles are a real thing. No solution here, just embrace the waddle and maybe bring some long dresses to cover them up.
Lymphyatic massages are the equivalent of musical chairs for your innards. Organs are happy where they are, leave them alone.
Know your limitations. Just across the board. Know them. Respect them. Mother, this one is all you. It is common knowledge that balance is not mom’s friend. So let’s not push it and try to cross a creek by hopping across rocks, wearing a backpack with all our valuables. Including our phone. Aka lifeline. Someone (not naming names) will face plant it into the water and come up looking like a drowning rat…
Don’t bother expediting a passport. The US government doesn’t care and all you’ll do it lose $100+ and get some added frustration out of the deal.
After a few drinks, all your animal-y qualms will disappear. But beware of the bird that tries to bite your eye, the other one that gets stuck in your hair, and by the way Iguanas are cooler than all those flying critters.
Lastly and most importantly, embrace all the shit shows and just have a good time. The oopsie moments are the most funny. Not every moment is going to be perfect (that’s why they make Insta filters). Just enjoy the journey.