Reflecting, evolving, 25

This week I turned 25. A whole quarter of a century. Adios early 20s. Aching joints, forgetfulness, and deteriorating looks, step on up.

Kidding.

-ish.

But in all honesty, this is the first year I feel like I’m getting older. I’m a wound-tight worry wart and as “the day” approached I found myself totally perplexed. Twenty FIFTH birthday? Oh boy, better start overthinking and rapid firing anxiety-inducing questions, like: Have I peaked physically? (Yes I’m vain, don’t judge me.) Is it all downhill from here? Have I already lived the best years of my life?

Now the realistic part of my brain (this part has a limited amount of real estate in the ol’ noggin’) tells me that, at any age, life is what you make it and that each new phase of life becomes the “best years”. Which is true and great, but feels like a load of bullshit when you’re sitting there worried about wrinkles and AARP. I’m always wanting to do better, be better, look and feel better, so the thought of going “downhill” or regressing terrifies me.

Okay, I realize I’m being dramatic here and I’m about ready to stress myself out writing this and dredging up my overthinking. So I think it’s time to turn the sails and go positive – Let’s restart.

Selfishly (yes I’m vain AND selfish, what of it people) my birthday is one of my favorite days of the year, and I like having my own day. Or week, I mean, month… and after I’m done worrying about whether I have one foot in the grave or not, I usually find myself reflecting on the past year and asking “what did I accomplish this year?”.

Year 23 felt like a hard year to beat, I was finding my stride at work and with the help of my mom I bought a house. I had just started to settle into a new town, I was creating my little home just the way I wanted it, and I finished Year 23 in a 10x better place mentally than I had been in the months leading up to my birthday. Materialistically I felt like I was killing it. While 23 was a great year as far as “things” go, I would describe Year 24 as a metaphorical metamorphosis. Think Snoop Dog to Snoop Lion, or T Swift’s evolution from “Teardrops on my Guitar” to “Look What You Made Me Do”. I’m very dramatic today aren’t I? Anyway, this year I’ve broken out of my comfort zone, took the time to learn about myself, and have put my heart into some self-improvement projects. What makes me happy? What makes me feel fulfilled? Who do I want to be and what do I want to do?

I know I need meaning in my life, and I get a lot of that from work. This year I’ve been able to take on more responsibility and have gained confidence in my position and knowledge. This gives me both a sense of satisfaction and accomplishment. Knowing I hit the jackpot with an idyllic job (for me), pushes me to keep learning and working harder, which I love. I know there’s always more to learn and ways to grow. The opportunities are endless. I put a lot into my work, and it gives back tenfold.

But as much as I love work, I’ve realized work can’t be my one and only. Branching out and starting my own Mary Kay business and this blog, has given me a much needed creative outlet and an alternative “responsibility” for lack of better terms. I enjoy being busy and these two things are fun “busy” activities. My MK business is my own gig and I can take it as far, or keep it as casual, as I want. And starting this blog has been so far out of my comfort zone, but also so rewarding. Rewarding in the sense that it has pushed me be more self-confident, self-aware, to practice what I preach, and to reflect on who I am and who I want to be. I’ve always thought humor is the best medicine, and when I’m able to put a shitty situation down on paper (or punch it furiously onto the keyboard) it makes me chill the hell out and laugh. I’m an emotional and dramatic being, so I need that reality check.

I’ve also taken the time to learn my body. This year I set a goal, and conquered something I never thought I could do. I ran a half marathon and learned what my body was capable of. Most importantly I now know that 98% of hurdles can be accomplished with the mind. As I’ve mentioned before, I’m extremely self-conscious and learning my body has helped me change my tune from hating the way my body looks, to loving what it can do. This was a huge win on the mental-health side of life.

On the home-front I found myself in a position where I needed to swallow my pride and mend a relationship. At some point I realized being bitter and stubborn and letting my hurt feelings run my life, was only punishing me. It ate me away on the inside and at the end of the day I want to know I tried and was the best person I could be. This is a constant effort, but it has made all the difference in my happiness this year and has been liberating for Year 24.

You’re probably getting tired of reading, so I’ll wrap this up with the reflection that I think has been one of the most important (and the hardest and the biggest work-in-progress). Learning to live on my own timeline and to my own beat. Being a woman in your twenties, I have friends getting married, having kids, moving into these new phases of life. Yes I’ve got a career, a super rad wiener dog, and a terrific life, but I want those things too. I find myself comparing – why am I not engaged, married, having kids? Well, quite simply, it’s not my time. And as Jared always says, “You can’t live by anyone else’s timeline.” Maybe he’s just buying time so he doesn’t have to propose (kidding-ish), but he’s right. Comparing my life and speed of “accomplishments” is only going to leave me unsatisfied. I need to enjoy this phase of life, and the life I’ve been given. I want to be happy for my friends. Share in their joy, and celebrate them. My time will come, and I know they’ll do the same with, and for, me. Being a wife or a mother isn’t the end-all-be-all. It’s not the “key” that will make me feel fulfilled or happy, but loving and living life to its fullest will. Everything happens in due time, and my timeline might be crooked and backwards, but it’s all mine.

So cheers, cheers to another year and many more. I will probably always overthink and worry, and I will keep using my anti-aging cream (Team Vain), but will make a point to appreciate the people, places, and phases in life. Here’s to finding the humor, forgiving with my whole heart, and breaking out of my comfort zone.

Thanks for continuing to read my nonsense, hopefully I find some more enlightening subjects over the next year. I think I’ll go lockdown another mimosa or coffee with Bailey’s. It’s Sunday Funday homies. I’m officially in my mid-twenties and I think that what we do now.

PS Jared and I played birthday beer pong and totally beat “the kids”. We may not be in our early-twenties but we’ve still got it. A sweet little victory.